But I don’t think that scolding is going to change someone who’s been socialized to communicate in this way, let alone a group of such men. It’s reasonable for you not to tolerate that. You have every right to request that language whose derogatory nature is fairly obvious not be used around you. So I understand your discomfort, but I also think that this is bigger than you. Could this just be a way for them to engage with something that makes them uncomfortable?
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So what is my question? Well … is this a thing? Do hetero guys really talk like this, or are they just anomalous pervs? Is there any chance they stick to the gay stuff because they don’t want to be gross about sex with women with me around? Do I need to “stand up” to this humor, even though it seems to be free from hate? I’m not even uncomfortable with it exactly, I’m just concerned I might be dropping the ball as a citizen of the LGBTQ world. In fact, one guy expressed a purely religious judgment about homosexuality once (to someone outside the group), and everyone else has discussed how gross it was.
In my experience, the friends have also been completely normal around them, and two other group members also have great relationships with gay family members. He has embraced them with no issue whatsoever and considers them some of our best friends. My partner is super kind to my close gay buddy and his partner and doesn’t act uncomfortable in the slightest when they are affectionate around us. I must say that I have never seen even a hint of outright bigotry from any of them. I am the only person in the group who is not a hetero man, and I feel that if I try to say “Enough, already!,” I stand to slightly alienate myself, though they’d respect my preference. I see and speak to these men (and they are indeed men-we’re well out of our 20s) often and consider games with them to be a huge and rewarding component of my social life. These jokes aren’t hateful, per se, but they’re just constantly referencing gay, male-on-male sex, and to me, there often seems to be no discernible punchline. I am part of a text chain with these guys, and it is relentless-I rely on my husband to tell me when we have plans with them because I have to mute it unless I want to be inundated. They think it is hysterical to just tack some fellatio-related quip onto every. Here is my (female) problem: He and our gaming friends (all male) have this habit of making gay jokes constantly. My partner and I have been together for six happy years. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.